Goodbye Carlos

Today we finished our last session at the boy's and girl's club, I'm celebrating never having to see Carlos ever again. I have never in my life met such a disobedient, selfish, uncooperative, kid. I will not miss him or his incessant crying and already I can taste the sweet air of freedom. On the other hand, I really liked some of the kids, like my buddy Daniel and his friends. I have very seriously considered continuing to volunteer there but, as I'm transferring and won't be able to do it during the summer anyway, I think leaving now, before they get attached is better for them. I have somewhat revised my initial opinion that all the kids were hopeless. Actually, this is more frustrating, I feel like I (or someone else) can make a difference in these kid's lives. They have so much potential and are so readily helped, I feel like with just a little attention and care, they could become anything they wanted. I finally get the appeal of teaching or volunteering. As I said though, this also seems more frustrating because, when they don't change, you feel more personally like its your fault, as though you've let them down. This kind of thing must kill regular volunteers. As for our actual project, I'm not sure "success" is the right word to use, but I do think it had a huge positive impact. The kids kind of cooperated while playing sports, but on the other hand, they also almost fought each other over things like the team name, what counts as a first down, who would throw next etc. On the boat building project, they seemed to have fun and use their imaginations, but they also didn't really work as a group at all. For our final day, trying to combine elements of the other lessons, it did seem like they picked partners more easily than before and that they were able to cooperate a little better, but that may just be because they were actually enthusiastic about our water-balloon toss (soon to become a water balloon fight). I left feeling like I may have helped a few of them with teamwork, but by and large I think they will remain mostly independent. some structural factors come into play like the fact that the kids arrive and leave at random intervals. Also, the same kids aren't always there day to day and that can limit team formation, but mostly the problem is that they just have too much to do. They don't have to group up because the facilities are nice enough that everyone can just do their own thing. (the vast age difference doesn't help either) As for our actual impact then, I don't feel like we made them more team-oriented but we may have introduced them to other members that they didn't know that well and encouraged sports and therefore (hopefully) fitness and cooperation down the road. beyond that, using my authority as a cool adult figure I was able to instill some values with them regarding teamwork. By not approving of grandstanding, recognizing skill everywhere I saw it, disapproving of crying, cheating, or fighting, I think I may have made them more likely to share these same values later when they play but the attitude of the older kids is crucial. Basically, "Cool" is defined by the oldest male(s) present in the group and how he reacts to the game defines how everyone else sees it. Hopefully, they will carry this kind of process forward, But I think its more likely that the older kids will revel in being better than all the other kids and just grow more authoritarian. the group dynamics at work are fascinating and that may have been what I enjoyed most of all, I felt like I was back in elementary school and got to see again how primitive young humans are. If I were Daniel, I would target the older kids with the torch group stuff and try to teach them to have more responsibility for the younger kids. Second, I would make certain days devoted to a particular sport to get everyone involved instead of off wandering around somewhere. I would also find some way of disciplining problem kids like Carlos while encouraging leadership in better (if more timid) kids. In any case, I had a great time and felt like I connected with about 5-7 of the kids and made at least a little difference in their lives.

Student Works

I went to the talks on Political Science and watched presentations on Guantanamo Bay, Tobacco in Georgetown, motivations for the Bush Doctrine, Developing Nations Economies, Revolutions and their artistic representations and perhaps a few others that were equally engaging. The Poster fair was fun for me given how many of my friends were presenting and getting to talk to them though in general, I found the posters rather dull. I loved the presentations as they gave so much information but the Posters were more conclusions than explanations and I thought it was kind of awkward to read the information while the presenter was just standing there wondering if he should start talking or not. Also, it was loud and though I did talk to my friends about their work, I didn't really get too into the poster fair. The speeches though gave me information I've been trying to find for years. There is so much information on Iraq and Guantanamo Bay for example that I've never been able to get a handle on all the polices associated with them. The research of my fellow students cut through that barrier as they had already done the brute work and I just got to benefit from a like-minded examination of issues that I too was concerned about. I thought vaguely of trying to attend a non-Political presentation but luckily decided against it. Dr. Selbin and Dr. O'Neil were both in the audience and their questions and insights were very helpful. I found myself blissfully lost in a happy world of corruption, war, terror, revolutions, poverty, and early death. I really loved this event and wish we had it more often as I also felt that more people were engaged by the presentations than by those of their professors where homework, grades, and other variables distract from the pure learning that going to these lectures provided. As a side note I was also interested in the presentations of 4 of the presenters particularly as I work at the library coffee bar and always see them there working on their capstone. I finally got to see what all that time led to. I also kind of wish I were staying at southwestern so I could do such a fun capstone but given the stressed and frazzled grimaces of some of the seniors, perhaps its best that I'm not.

Teamwork Group clearly better than Conflict Reolution Group

Today we had our first meeting at the Boy's and Girl's club. It was so much fun, I'm debating continuing even after Paidea is finished. At first it was complete Chaos, We had a smattering of kids of such vastly different age groups that our projects proved a little difficult to convey to everyone. What's more, the other groups were completely right about the limited attention span, Mafia was kind of a disaster with at least 90% of the kids cheating and all of them misunderstanding it to begin with. The real problem isn't the lack of attention, it was the fact that it diminished at different rates for different kids, Some were completely with us while others had about 3 or 4 minutes of sustained attention. Noise and random other kids doing their own thing was kind of a problem, but we still had a lot of fun and managed to learn quite a few of their names. I agree with the other groups, the girl Skyler is adorable but also so depressing that she would need attention that badly. Our activities we had planned out didn't take even half the time we planned (as the kids lost interest or just didn't understand) a large part of the problem was the continual shifting of kids in and out, half way through directions, or more likely, right in the middle of a game. Thus our actual plans were ok but lasted about 30 minutes before dying. We then decided to play basketball and foursquare (following the wishes of our remaining kids) and Here is where I actually had all my fun. This was exactly what I wanted out of this civic engagement all along. I got to talk to a few kids before we started (a least a little connecting) but it wasn't until I had three on my team and three against me that I really got to them. My team had Mleke, Harley, and Carlos. They all know me, worked well together (not Carlos so much, I'll have to talk to him), and are eagerly waiting for us to come out on Thursday. I got to know the other team almost as well and we had a great time. More importantly, I feel like we have the ground set for a much greater connection later. The kids seemed to really appreciate us coming out there with them. We did have a few problems that I would like to work on for next time. First, Carlos and some of the other kids have trouble passing the ball and playing as a team, I think I can rectify this by talking to them before the next game and planning the specific play. I noticed that when I told them a play, they would actually cooperate more than if they were just sort of running around, I think I want to play football next time and sort of direct the kids that way (maybe all-time quarterback) so they work together more. Second, there was one kid who got knocked to the ground like three times and another one who kept getting involved in scrums with the ball. The kids play a little too violently to prevent aggression, I think we can work on this for next time to make sure no one gets too frustrated. First, I can talk to them about playing less competitively and second, I can shape this more by playing both sides and encouraging everyone who does well rather than just one team. (Chrissy was on the other team, congratulating them, I feel like this set the stage for a more adversarial relationship than was necessary). I am however, very proud of the kids, they got hurt but didn't whine, and they kept trying even if they were losing badly. The last problem may be the most difficult to solve. All the people playing basketball were boys and almost everyone playing foursquare. I don't know how to include more girls in such a typically male activity without pitting boys against girls which I feel would be counterproductive and lead to much more hostility than fun. I don't want the girls to have to wait until our planes and boat competition to be involved, its just as important that they learn how to win with magnanimity, lose with class, play with heart, and cooperate well. I'll keep thinking about it and hope to have a solution by Thursday.

Jesse Daniel Ames lecture

I just finished watching this in the library. I can't remember a lecture I hated more. The presenters spoke about "state-sponsored" violence as though the state takes active policies to intimidate and attack them. They seemed to equate individual police officers and their ILLEGAL actions as evidence of state sponsorship, something like open season on trans people. I hate this particular argument and seem to encounter it every time I discuss racial or disabilities prejudice. Individual prejudice is bound to happen, that it occurs by state employees (or anyone else) does not establish that it has governmental support. This failure to see subtle distinctions cannot help their argument and lost much of my initial open-minded apathy. To be very honest, I also found Eli's speaking disturbing in the extreme and am very happy I wasn't in public while watching it lest someone see me cringe. I also found it melodramatic of them to try to insinuate that 12 deaths a year (via transphobic violence) is some huge frightful cause we should all care about. I'm sure the number of deaths from coconuts falling on one's head is as serious an issue mathematically speaking. Such melodrama again does not help their arguments. I did however enjoy some of the argumentation and felt that presenting themselves as outside gender and power norms situated them as worthy of listening to. I'm open to that type of argument, I'm a white, athletic, smart, young male and as such do have a completely different perspective on the world. Basically, my only abnormal categorization is my small level of religiosity. I therefore do enjoy seeing interpretations of the world based on perceptions quite far from my own. That said, I do in fact disagree with much of their central argumentation. I feel like expecting some kind of political solution is unreasonable and likely to lead to more frustration than gain. It seems to me that the best way of getting past prejudice is to just lead your life without worring about making sure everyone accepts you. Trans people are no different from short people, people with funny voices or gestures, strange features, or poor athleticism. We all live in a world that judges and categorizes, we all adapt to this world and ultimatly, must trust that if we are ourselves people may judge us but they cannot delegitimize our lives. Everyone else lives with this kind of world, they don't try to enact legislation that prevents people from making fun of us or giving us wierd glances, expecting that we can legislate away or somehow end transphobia with governemnt involvment seems wrong both on a sheer political level (as in, it isn't really achivable) but also seems counter-productive (unlike people with lisps for example who just have to come to terms with the fact that people will view them as different or ask them to repeat themselves more often than is normal). I hope I haven't offended anyone but I'm trying to be as honest as possible.

Brown Symposium

I went to the first two presentations. The first covered the Baylor religious data, the second was devoted to neuroscience. I was mildly surprised to discover that my idea of God is fairly similar to most people despite some of the subtleties I have worked out in compiling my own views. I also learned that my approach to god is about the healthiest from a neurological point of view. I should (in theory) have less stress or anxiety about god and his intentions. I also found their explanations fascinating for why some people advocate such dogmatic views. This helped me come to terms with something that had been bothering me for years. As a libertarian, I have this idea that the world would be a better place if everyone would just do their own thing and let everyone else be. But this is precisely because I think human concerns must be petty and meaningless to an all-powerful being. I have always thought god would more or less leave us alone and (being all-powerful) if he wanted something done, he would do it himself. I differ from the more dogmatic in my sense of an individual relationship with god, and a disinterested one at that. This finally explains why some people can actually care about abortions, gay marriage, stem cell research and other religious-political issues. These people are much more likely to believe in a hands-on God with rules, punishment for failure, and excessive judgement. From this mind set, it is very reasonable to want to curtail other's political and personal freedoms. If god could potentially get so angry, he decided to flood the world and kill us all, I think I too would be concerned about what everyone else did. In fact, the only reasonable action with such a belief would be to obey the rigid rules god laid down lest he smite us all. Doing anything to jeopardize our salvation would be criminal. This also explains the level of contention in such religious concerns. Even accepting that there are personal disagreements, I kind of thought that religious zealots kind of cared too much about such things. It must be infuriating for them to have everyone else violate God's laws and endanger them under the argument that god doesn't exist or care anyway. That would just add further fuel to the (hell) fire and endanger us as recognizing god's power must be paramount. I'm sure in their eyes, they're being responsible and acting for the betterment of all us evil sinners. I connected most of these dots before, but this presentation did a great job of linking them with statistical data and exploring the causal mechanisms. As for the Neuroscience part, I loved the brain scans of meditation and the explanation that feelings of closeness to god could be a result of ignoring sensory information. I'm definitely sharing that with my mom. She meditates pretty regularly and has always tried to get me to do the same so that I too may experience god more directly. I loved this symposium. It was even better than last year. I would also like to hear everyone's opinions on what their god is like.

Tuesday's with Morrie

I have kind of mixed feelings about this book. On the one hand, I like that it addresses the concerns of aging and the kind of post-modern frustration at the rat-race life. On the other hand, I also think it overemphasises tired cliches and oversimplifies the meaning of life. I feel like too many people get so caught up in the aspects of working and the frustrating existence that is an unexamined life. People invariably have to make certain choices, they must choose certain actions and leave others behind as time and the pressures of simple maintenance demand. Priorities are set and life is missed out on. This leads to midlife crisis's, frustration, and perhaps most horribly, regret at a life not lived. That hit me very hard, it is my single greatest fear that one day as I get older and begin the painful process of dying I will look back over my life for some meaning and contentment and realized I haven't lived. I have reacted to this fear by trying as much as possible to learn new things, to increase my skills, knowledge, perspective, and hobbies. I want to feel as though I am complete, this is why my interests are so complex and varied. I also try to avoid moral ambivalence or intellectual abdication. That is, everything in my live is run through a rigorous analysis for meaning, how it will help me grow, what I will gain, how it makes me feel etc. I strive to be the exact person I choose to be: physically, mentally, morally or even socially. This process has granted me meaning. All my beliefs are being integrated into a logical, complete whole, I am exactly who I choose to be and my life is filled with my greatest loves and passions. I feel like this is the correct way to attack this problem (dying). Rigorous self-analysis combined with tireless effort at self-control and self realization. I do not think the answer is as simple as love. Morrie's argument is just one of a whole series of easy cop-outs to life. As though life takes no effort, as though by merely hoping investment in other people will grant you happiness. I hate this argument as I do similar arguments proposing religious observance, consumerism, altruism, or other popular ideas for what constitutes a meaningful life. The answer is not universal, we all invariably value different things, enjoy different things, and are different people. As such, our meanings must fundamentally be different. There is no one-size-fits-all to the life well lived. It is precisely this belief that, upon its inevitable destruction, leads to unavoidable unhappiness. I don't think the way to live is to adopt a program and expect it to give meaning. That can only come from within. Thus while love, human contact and the like are aspects to a meaningful life, they are not the end-all-be-all. They cannot be in that they fundamentally require a happiness from outside the self. This is, if not impossible, that at least uncontrollable. At best, Morrie's argument is a roll of the dice or toss of the coin. I prefer to think I have some say in my life and its purpose.

Boy's and Girl's Club

My expectations are twofold. I would like to help some of these kids with whatever they have going on in their lives and give them a place to have fun and learn some productive skills. My second objective is to have some fun myself and try to learn something about the next generation that doesn't fill me with dread. I generally love kids so I expect it to be fun right off but I would like some reason to feel as though I have grown as a person, maybe some insight into childhood, or some internal realization about the way I was raised compared to them, something that gives me perspective into myself or humans in general. I don't much care if I do it alone but I think it would be more fun with at least a few people from class. As long as I have someone to talk to my own age I have a security net in case the kids are unapproachable. (though I doubt I'll need it) Specifically, I think it would be fun to get together with the kids in groups and compete against the groups of my other classmates. Something like benevolent gang warfare would be a lot of fun and help the kids with team building and competitive drive. (Plus I think my group would win) I also think this is a great way to get the more shy people in our Paidea cohort to feel comfortable, they would be in a position of semi-authority and have clearly defined goals. I also see the kids falling into this really easily. Regardless of what we eventually do, I think it should definitely have structure and involve group activities. I could deal with less structure and probably a few others too but I think most of our Cohort would feel awkward and not really get the most out of it. Also, group work is more productive as the one-on-one potential is limited with such a tight schedule. I would like to do this every week but my schedule is pretty restricted this semester. With Lacrosse season starting and 17 hours of classes and a campus job I don't know if I'll have lots of time to give but I imagine this being so much fun that I will want to give what time I do have. Really, I need more information on what types of activities we are talking about to be more specific.